“What do you want?” Jesus asked the mother of James and John in Matthew 22;22. It’s a question that has been asked of those coming into a 12 step program for years. “I want to stop drinking.” “I want to be able to drink normally.” ‘I want to keep my marriage.” “I don’t want to lose my kids.” “I don’t want to lose my job.”

When I came into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, forty-three years ago—one day at a time—I had no idea of what I wanted. I knew I was not an alcoholic, but I had told my boss, “I think I have a drinking problem” and so I wanted to keep my job. Later on when divorced, I wanted to keep our daughter (which was granted.)

Of course, since I had certifications in addiction, working on a Master’s degree in Family Therapy, a counselor in the field of addictions, and a background in theology and religion, what I most wanted was to be of help to those in A.A. I wanted to become the next “Chalk Talk” priest like Fr Joe Martin.

I wanted people to know just how good I was as a person. I wanted to be a sponsor—but I didn’t want to have one. I wanted people in meetings to know I had read the Big Book and so I quoted it just about every time I opened my mouth. I was invited and went on 12 Step calls, to speak at meetings in the State Psych hospital, be the moderator at a meeting, and be the speaker at a Speaker Meeting.

Oh, and when I was asked to be on the Speaker circuit, I wanted to do that—again—because my belief was that I had so much to offer. Fortunately for me and all concerned, two men, who had taken me under their wings, bluntly told me I should not do that as I had too big of an ego and I would relapse.

I wanted to get through the twelve steps as quick as possible. These were—in my mind—simple/simplistic and did not need a lot of thought and I had no character defects to speak of. I did not have to make amends as most of what I did or said was in reaction to the words and behavior of others, so what I did or said was their fault not mine.

I want... I want… I want… For as long as I can remember, I wanted something and had no clear idea what it was that I wanted. Even in my drinking I got glimpses of what I wanted to be a good person—but I could never be that. I was, for the most part, the trouble maker, the one living on the edge, the so-called life of the party, and inside I knew at some level I was disintegrating, I was dying, and some days, I felt or wished I were dead. I wanted to disappear.

Thanks to this fellowship and the simple program of honesty, I learned that what I really wanted was Serenity, peace of mind, the ability to be myself, to know myself, and to be able to communicate my thoughts and emotions without hurting another.

I did not particularly want to have to do the work necessary to become whom I was called to be. I did not want to have to face myself or others. What I needed was, and thankfully got, a person who held up a mirror to me so that I could see myself; someone who helped me get to know and to love myself and my failings, and to accept that I am not perfect.

What I needed was to attend meetings and listen more than I talked. Read the Big Book and identify with the stories as best I could. What I needed was to become honest with myself, others, and God. What I needed was a spiritual awakening and, when it came, it opened my heart and mind for me to begin to experience what we lovingly call the nine promises.

What I want today is based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. What I want today is to be alive in every fiber of my being so that I can be compassionate, caring, responsive and responsible when the hand of AA is needed. What I want today is to admit my powerlessness over people, places and things and let God direct my life.

—Séamus D is an Episcopal priest in the Greater New Orleans area.