Through the Red Door Blog

Growing up in an alcoholic home I had a strange sense of what was normal.  I thought all grown-ups had drinks in the middle of the day, in the evening and at bed time.  One really did have three martini lunches. I thought all 5 year olds drank from their parents’ champagne glasses on holidays.  When I was out of college and looking for work, I drank at lunchtime because that’s what grownups do. I did it in graduate school too, even if I had afternoon classes. Every Sunday a group of my parents’ friends gathered at our house for after church drinks.  All very normal, right?

The one place I did notice that things were not normal was in the things I was not allowed to do which others my age could do.  I think primarily because many of them involved my being driven somewhere or inconveniencing may parents in some way.  Additionally they were so out of touch that I was always sent to school in jeans or overalls—everyone else wore dresses.  I was sent to the pool in swim trunks because at 8 or 9 I didn’t have noticeable breasts.

I did not know that what I was experiencing had a name---shame.  I not only made mistakes, I was a mistake, an inconvenience, who fit in nowhere. 

I truly think that I drank against the shame, drank to not be shy, drank to finally fit in. Unfortunately I over shot.  I drank more than anyone else and it became a source for more shame.  I managed to get tranquilizers but was careful to not mix them with booze.  I always waited 30 minutes between stopping my drinks for the day before I took a tranq. or a sleeping pill. At some point I realized that might not be normal.

I drank because I couldn’t not drink.  Sometimes I stopped after 2 or 3 but once I put the first one in my mouth I could no longer predict how much I would consume.  I swore off alcohol many nights as I fought the “twirlies” in bed and had to keep one foot on the floor. The next day it was “well, I won’t drink anything tomorrow”.

A side benefit of getting sober was that I could buy a high four poster bed because I no longer had to be able to get my foot on the floor to keep the room from spinning. But the greatest benefit was that at age 40 I found a program that not only got me off booze, it gave me a road map that got me to the goal I had always chased.  My skin fit.  I was comfortable in my own skin and didn’t grimace when I looked in the mirror.

I still make mistakes, we all do, but today I know I am NOT a mistake.  The shame is gone, and I belong somewhere.  Not just in AA but in the wider community.  I have been given the opportunity to be of service to God and my fellow man. As they say, if I’d said 30 years ago where I wanted to be at age 70 I would have short changed myself. As a friend who died 52 years sober always said, “I don’t drink, and I’m not mad about it”. I’m thrilled about it!  Sober is the new normal. Thanks be to God.

Lisa K

I did not get sober on purpose. I was so naïve to recovery, getting sober, addiction, disease  – all of it.  I knew nothing.  And I certainly did not have a problem, I enjoyed using and was not about to stop.  Of course I was defensive because no one was going to tell me what to do.  Besides,  I wasn’t hurting anyone.  Except everyone!!!   At this juncture in my life I was falling apart – mentally, emotionally and physically.  I needed a Band-Aid quickly. In my first few weeks I was  angry, tired, irritated and annoyed. I started to realize the more sober I got that I had a problem, a big problem!! I had a disease of all things. I soon realized however that it wasn’t anyone else’s responsibility but my own. I was feeling as overwhelmed as I had ever felt in my life.  Was there really something to this 12- step stuff I keep hearing?  Was it going to make me normal if I followed them? Here is where you get courageous…..

As my mind started to become more clear every day and I started to see the bigger picture…..wow, my thinking really started to change.  I was ready to take a real plunge into this recovery thing and try those steps.  I found an incredible sponsor who started to guide me through the spiritual 12 steps and I loved how I was changing.  By step 4, Yes my feelings and thoughts were as raw as hamburger meat but I knew that meant I was working on some deep things inside of me.  This is where I had to decide if I was going to run from those feelings or work through them.  So I prayed to my Higher Power and I asked for guidance.  It was then that steps 1-3 came flooding back.  Then I had that “Ah ha” moment, “wow this is actually working”.  I have since worked my 4^th step and through some individual counseling and an amazing recovery program I am learning about self-acceptance, self-love and self-worth.  I have mended broken relationships and I have also learned how important it is to my recovery that I keep healthy boundaries.  One of my greatest assets are friendships; those true and honest friendships that have helped me through this process.  They are always there for me and are never concerned with my past.  No longer do I have to live in misery and uncertainty. I just celebrated 18 months clean.  Today it feels good to be me. That is the ultimate gift of my recovery.  God Bless and remember……one day at a time! J

Shona S.
Dalton, GA.
Clean Since: 11/1/2014

I walk into the 9 o’clock Saturday closed AA meeting through the handicap entrance with my cup of Starbucks decaf Americana with two Splenda and light whip and find a seat next to the door as I set my cane down beside my leather chair. I now remember that all of the leather chairs with arms were given to the Cosmos group when a dear friend in AA, Betty, died. Thank you, Betty, for making it so easy, so comfortable to sit for an hour each week. I wonder if I am the only one still remembering who bequeathed the money for the chairs in her will.  For the first ten years of sobriety I went to this meeting every day except on Sunday. Now I only come once a week to this Saturday morning meeting. I look around. I can count on my hands the people who were here when I came to my first meetings. What has happened to them all? Are they dead, like Betty? Did they die sober or did they drink again? I know many who left and drank. I am afraid that is the norm. I hear that only 10% of people who are alcoholics come to AA and that only 10% who come to AA stay. Is this true? It is sobering and scary. I look to my left where all the young women sit together in a line. They are beautiful. Only one was here when I came. I look to my right around a table at the back of the room where many of the older men sit. Two were here when I came.  I have had five sponsors. All have relapsed. Two have come back.  I hear a man speak who is celebrating 45 years in AA. He admits he rarely comes to meetings. His wisdom is less that the young man who speaks before him celebrating two years. Time in the program does not mean wisdom.   Earlier in the week I do remember talking with a woman with great wisdom whose son had relapsed after many years of recovery. Her words to her son: “It does not matter if you fall down. The problem is if you do not get up.”  This is wisdom. This disease is cunning and baffling, destroying lives by a slow painful death like a cancer that makes you think you do not have the disease. The meeting is almost over. I have heard wisdom. I have remembered wisdom. I have seen wisdom. As we stand and pray the Lord’s prayers, I also pray that God will help me to remember this wisdom for one more week, one more day.

-Joanna

The promise of being able to live life happy, joyous and free is one of the greatest treasures I’ve found in sobriety.  Sometimes though I have to admit that freedom, joy and happiness are a bit daunting, especially when I have recurring bouts of alcoholic thinking.

Remembering that alcohol is but a symptom of my problems means that I have to continue to work my program continually. I have an old timer friend that says he has to practice Steps 1, 2, 3, 6 and 7 on a daily basis to keep his joy, freedom and happiness. I think he’s right. I would also add Steps 10, 11 and 12 to that list for me.

Once I’ve done the work that allows me to ‘keep the plug in the jug’ I’ve just begun the ongoing work of changing the person that I brought into the halls a few 24 hours ago. That jug plugging happens in 1, 2, 3 for me. Simple as 1, 2, 3. I also have to be reminded that simple does not equal easy. This puts me on the road where true happiness is possible.

When I practice Steps 6 and 7 on a daily basis I work on extending my 4^th and 5^th Step work by making sure I don’t pick up new baggage that will limit my service to other people. Becoming entirely ready and humbly asking God to remove my shortcomings as I become aware of them is what makes freedom possible for me. The freedom I’m talking of here is not the freedom to do whatever I want, but rather to be free to do the next right thing in the pursuit of my sobriety that is marked by real metanoia, or the new mind and heart that dependence on and trust in God brings within my grasp.

It’s only when I’ve worked here on the front end that I find myself ready for the peace and joy that comes with the authentic expression of Steps 10, 11 and 12 in my daily life.

To promptly identify and admit my shortcomings is something that would have been nearly impossible before I committed myself to the working of all of the steps. Once I get in the practice of doing my turnarounds in as close to real time as possible I notice that I can go through the day with a certain buoyancy that leads me organically to conscious contact with the God of my understanding. When that happens, when I allow that to happen through the grace of God, I find 12^th Step work in almost everything I do because I have allowed God to change who I am.  Knowing that God is at work in me is the source of my joy. I count myself so very fortunate to recognize it sometimes when it happens and when it doesn’t happen as well.

Now I know that I have tools that I can use to put me in a place “where grace is possible” to quote Dietrich Bonhoeffer, makes Happiness, Joy and Freedom possible in all circumstances if I have the courage and humility to give myself over to the care of God. That’s Gospel for me.

-Warren H.

This month I celebrated 29 years of continuous sobriety. The years have produced some times of both deep joy and sorrow, success and failure. Life has been lifey, but the one thing I can share with you that kept me sober was I never lost my trust or love of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

I lost my oldest son to this disease, I went bankrupt, I lost a business that was thriving because someone else made a bad decision. All the time I still remember the one small voice that would speak to me “trust Me Bob.”

I also have had some wonderful happenings in my life. People pay me when I need money. I have 5 other healthy, clean children, 16 grandchildren and 8 great grandchildren. I have a wife that has been at my side for 61 years, and will celebrate 27 years in Alanon this June. When I retired from my business, I went to seminary and became a Deacon in the Episcopal Church. I have worked as a chaplain for an Episcopal Hospital, and I handle the Bereavement for a major Hospice.

If I had settled for what I would have listed as my hopes during the first retreat I attended, when sober, I would have cheated myself. I remember my prayer “Father I don’t care if I ever have another dime, if I ever own anything again, I just want to be sober. I want to know how to love You with my whole heart, my whole mind, and my whole soul, and my neighbor as myself.”  

If you’re new, make no plans for your future, trust God, love God, love your neighbor, and hang on. Get ready for a “yellow brick road” that isn’t leading to Kansas.

-Bob L.

In 2001, I was confronted for my increasing alcoholic behavior—drinking at work, which happens to be a church—and a visible lack of ability to function.

As a result, I went to Silver Hill Hospital in New Canaan, Connecticut. The gifts I received there gave me the foundation of recovery that continues today.

After four years I was able to return to Silver Hill as the onsite chaplain. The many gifts of recovery and the opportunity to work with those in recovery and their families are amazing.

Much of my work as a priest reflects what I have learned from meetings, sponsors, reading, and study. The wisdom I have discovered, as I see my Higher Power working through others, continues to be awesome.

The acknowledgement that spirituality plays a major role in recovery by clinicians encourages my own ministry.

As chair of two diocesan committees on substance abuse, I have discovered that education of clergy is critical to helping so many who are in harm's way. I continue as a parish priest in transition ministry where I can have a role in change.

I try to follow the example of the many in recovery before me, while the support group to which I belong and all who attend remain anonymous. I am open about my continuing recovery so I can teach, counsel, and write.

I encourage public awareness and clergy understanding, and I am an advocate for legislative support for equality in insurance coverage for addiction recovery and mental illness.

–The Rev’d Hugh Tudor-Foley

As I was walking along the beach yesterday, I saw at a distance a beautiful seashell. Upon reaching the shell, I saw that it was only half of a shell, the side I could see was perfect, but the other side was missing. Oh, I thought, it could have been a dish it was so big, so I walked on by, leaving it behind. Instantly, I turned around and went back to pick it up. I realized that there had been a storm the day before, and I am sure fragments were broken and lost at sea. That, I realized is a lot like my life. I have had a lot of storms, and pieces of me have fragmented and broken off, lost somewhere, never to be found again. God gave me inspiration at that moment, as long as there is a piece of my heart and soul, no matter how small, it is enough for God to mold me a new and make me strong. I am worth picking up and saving. I can be used as an instrument in God's love, even if I am missing a few pieces.

-Renee L.

I’ve agreed to conduct a workshop for our parish on Laudato ‘Si – On Care for Our Common Home, Pope Francis’s encyclical.  Reputedly a treatise on climate change, its driving themes are social justice derived from an intimate relationship with our Creator and all of creation:* 

“… Disinterested concern for others, and the rejection of every form of self-centeredness and self-absorption are essential if we truly wish to care for our brothers and sisters and for the mutual environment. …Pope Francis, Encyclical, Laudato ‘Si – On Care for our Common Home, May 24, 2015 Paragraph 203

“Sobriety and humility were not favorably regarded in the last century. … It is not easy to promote … healthy humility or happy sobriety when we consider ourselves autonomous, when we exclude God from our lives or replace him with our own ego, and think that our subjective feelings can define what is right and what is wrong.  Ibid, paragraph 222

“On the other hand, no one can cultivate a sober and satisfying life without being at peace with him or herself.” Ibid, paragraph 222

Curious, isn’t it, how recovery themes recur in our religious and spiritual practices and even in our business, civic, social and family routines.  Throughout the Lenten season and approaching Holy Week, craving God’s inextinguishable love, seeking the forgiveness that Christ bought, imploring the assistance of the Spirit, we prepare for the resurrection. Our addictions brought us near to death “excluding God from our lives”; our recovery restores us to grace and to life “at peace ourselves”.  As never before, we share in Christ’s resurrection.  

The message of the cross, the message of Easter is more than forgiveness.  It’s an invitation, as people who are forgiven and loved, to elect a life of “sobriety and humility”.  What came of the prodigal son the next day and the days after?  Did he reconcile with his brother and strive to rebuild trust within the family?   Did Dad’s compassionate embrace lull him into a smug backslide, lapsing into prodigal ways?  Did he rejoice in the renewal of his heritage?  Did he celebrate his sonship and his brotherhood?

For five years prior to my last drink, I’d been on the outs with my brother – banished from his home.  He’s a man of few words, and as I neared my first sober anniversary, I asked Mom’s advice about making amends.  From her vantage point of sixteen years in recovery, she said,   “Be patient and alert.  God will provide you with the ideal chance and you’ll know what to do.”   Several weeks later, my brother’s family celebrated his youngest son’s high school graduation with a lawn party.  I bought a card, adding ten bucks, showed up, warmly greeted my brother, his wife and kids, munched a burger and left amiably.  We’ve been right ‘n’ tight ever since.

 “… gratitude and gratuitousness, a recognition that the world is God’s loving gift, and that we are called quietly to imitate his generosity in self-sacrifice and good works…. living…a life of virtue…” Ibid, paragraph 217

Loved, forgiven and restored to – “a life of virtue”.  Resurrected in recovery.

* Dropbox Link to a compilation of highlights from the encyclical https://www.dropbox.com/s/nv5utwyovz00mw1/Laudato%20Si_Highlights_030616.pdf?dl=0

My belly button birthday is Sunday. I’ll be 52. Which is a miracle because when I turned 30 I wept, not believing that I would make to 30. I did, and it was a hop, skip, fall, skid, 2 divorces, 2 relapses, one kid to treatment, another depressed, falling in love, and ordination process in the Episcopal Church to 52. 

When I got sober the first time at 25 in 1988 I was so emotionally and spiritually immature that I really believed God should give me what I wanted because I was good now. I was going to work, I wasn’t sleeping around, as much, I was going to meetings, and seeking a relationship with my Higher Power. I picked a sponsor who wasn’t as helpful as I probably needed and I had no tools or understanding of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and consequently didn’t stay sober.

I got sober again in September 1992 in Chicago, and that was my white light, struck by a thunder bolt, spiritual experience.  I walked into the Lincoln Park Alano Club and within in a few months I understood that alcohol and drugs were but a symptom of what really ailed me: fear, loneliness, insecurity, a feeling of never, ever being good enough, and a hole in my soul that was so deep and expansive that it seemed like nothing would ever fill it or make me feel better.  And then I read the steps on the wall and the first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and knew that I knew that I knew that God was the answer. The only answer. And so I sought a relationship with God with the hunger and voraciousness of an infant gone all night with no milk.

I’m 52 on Sunday and 15 years sober, because I didn’t stay sober the second time around in ’93. I had a baby, married his alcoholic father, had another baby, and had an affair, drank for 9 months to hold the marriage together and finally separated from my children’s father and got sober again, November 3, 2000. 

In the last 15 years my primary purpose has been to stay sober, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and to help another alcoholic achieve sobriety.  I have been active in Alcoholics Anonymous through another marriage and another divorce, through falling in love which was probably one of the most painful and fulfilling experiences of my life because I now know what it means to be truly and wholly yourself and be completely vulnerable with another human being. Through seminary, the ordination process which has tested every ounce of faith, courage, and acceptance I have, through making the gut wrenching decision of sending my daughter away to treatment, to watching my son traverse the pain and joy and fulfillment of growing up, through the successes and failures of his life on his path, and so much more.  Through it all, every so often, I have “stood in the Presence of Infinite Power and Love.” I have stepped from bridge to shore and every so often, by grace through faith, I have lived in conscious companionship with my Creator. (p56. Big Book) 

Last Sunday we read the Parable of the Lost Son or the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32). As I listened to the reading which I have heard hundreds of times, I started remembering when I became aware of something that I had never identified with in the story before. Having been in recovery for the last 7 1/2 years opened my ears up to hear old things in a new way. As we were hearing about the younger son taking his inheritance from his father and squandering the money, I remembered that like me, the son suddenly comes to his senses. He WAKES UP to the fact that his life is a mess. I can remember the day I woke up and realized how unmanageable my life was. I too had an answer to my dilemma when my epiphany came, and like the younger son I ran home to the rooms of AA. I knew that AA was there shining like a beacon in the darkness because I had grown up in Alateen and Al-Anon. God had always had a plan! I knew that there was love and hope if I just asked for it. What a miracle to WAKE UP and know there is a solution to my problem. Like the younger son I knew I was wrong and I also knew I would find love and forgiveness on the other end. However, I had another surprise.

Not only was I like the younger son. I had also been like the older son. I too had stewed in my own resentment for years. Some of those resentments were for my family members who were alcoholics and couldn't understand why they were drinking. I did not understand it until I saw my own resentments and began to identify with them and see that the drinking had all been about pain and doing anything to make it stop. AA gave me the solution to the pain by giving me the 12 steps to work. Little by little the fog of resentment and fear began to lift. I began to rejoice like the Father in the story when a newcomer came in and had the same life changing experience I had. How easy it becomes to love and forgive when you know how much you are loved and forgiven. You want to share God's redeeming Grace with everyone. I love going back and rereading the Prodigal Son because I find myself over and over again in the story. It is a good reminder to know where I came from, what I was like and what I am like now, and that my Higher Power has my best interest at heart no matter what I may be thinking or feeling today. May you find that same Grace as you walk through the steps of AA and continue your journey of recovery!

-Margaret D.