“In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level…” Isaiah 40:3,4

At this time of the year, we hear a lot of talk about “prepare the way of the Lord.” For those of us who attend church, depending on the church, we are liable to hear about going to confession, about cleaning up our act, etc. Until about eighteen months ago I gave little to no attention to the first part of the phrase, “In the wilderness…”

I was preparing to attend a retreat for those of us in the program and began to reflect on the phrase when it hit me “fair and square” as is said. I first landed in the wilderness the night of my first drink and began drinking alcoholically. From the beginning I experienced blackouts and, as my values deteriorated, the wilderness became increasingly empty and, at times, downright frightening, even as I projected myself to be sound in mind, body, and spirit.

The wilderness, however, which I later appreciated, was the wilderness in which I began to work and live the steps. Preparation for this wilderness was to acknowledge my powerlessness and unmanageability; came to believe in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity; made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood God.

These three steps were the baptism that opened my heart and mind to hear God saying, “You are my beloved child in whom I am well pleased.”  It was out of this baptism that I was able to begin the remainder of the steps, the one that took me deep inside myself to look at the wilderness in which I had lived, to write about what I saw, what I remembered, what I heard I had done while under the influence.

I didn’t care for this wilderness. My addiction told me I was a great guy, the life of the party, the center of attention. In the wilderness I was able to see that I was neither the life of the party nor the center of attention. In this wilderness I came to grips with my moral bankruptcy; with my emptiness and the sticks and stones with which I beat myself. I came in contact with my EGO - Easing God Out – attitude of the trinitarian Me, Myself and I.        

In this wilderness I dug deep into the commandments, the seven deadly sins, the Ash Wednesday litany from the Book of Common Prayer and came face to face with the behavior and attitudes that resulted from my addiction to alcohol and drugs.        

In this wilderness I got off my mountain of pride collapsed and I transferred to the valley of humility. For too long, I had walked on crooked paths. It was time to straighten them out in order to see the road ahead. There was an unevenness about the road. There was a ridge between what I thought of me and, what my sponsor told me was the real me. He had me review a list of positive qualities and identify which one I thought were mine. I picked a few of them and showed it to him. Then he made me aware that, at my core, all of them were who I am.  These were activated when I was created in the image and likeness of God. Because of this wilderness experience I learned to say, “I am loving. Sometimes I’m indifferent. I am truthful. Sometimes I lie.  I am…..but sometimes I…  It was in this process that the uneven ground became level, this was the balance I had been looking for in all the wrong places.

It was in this wilderness that my Higher Power assisted me with the help of good friends and a sponsor to make straight the highway necessary for a life of sobriety. The work in this wilderness gave me the strength to make amends, to forgive and ask for forgiveness, to seek through prayer and meditation what is God’s will for me and ask for the power to carry that out.

Like a sheep I let myself be led astray. Like a sheep, I wandered into the wilderness. And it was there the Shepherd found me and brought me home within myself so I could celebrate the Kingdom of God within me. I could live one day at a time and be at peace.