I remember attending an A.A. conference where the speaker told a rather detailed story of his life leaving precious little to the imagination:  robbery, sex addiction, jail/prison; drugs other than alcohol. His sharing of “what happened, and what it is like now” was minimal. Afterward, I learned from others I was not the only one uncomfortable with the “tell all” aspect of his sharing. For some, it was “embarrassing to listen to.” As one individual put it, “If I were a newbie and thought I’d have to share my guts like that, I’d go and get another drink.”

Oldtimers knew there was a healthy balance in the triangular framework of sharing “Experience, Strength, and Hope:” “What we used to be like; what happened and what we are like now.” Even when the sharing of ‘What we used to be like” was raw, it was raw “in a general way” and the “Strength and Hope” left the listener with a sense that this program works and could work for them. One could see the pain but also was left with hope and joy that, despite the past, there was a life after drinking.  Periodically one might hear the sharing of a “Drunk-a-log” – forty-five minutes about the speaker’s drinking history and five minutes of strength and hope.

Oldtimers in the program did not take kindly to Treatment programs, especially those that said “a month in treatment is as good as a year in AA.” Treatment programs were seen as: “Hand holding.” “Taking care of your inner child.” “Talking about your damn feelings.” I am one of those who benefitted from a treatment program having spent five weeks in a four-week program followed by Aftercare and individual and group counseling. I thank my Higher Power for every bit of that help. And yet, I was one of those who lived by a statement I heard very often in my formative years; “whatever you say, say nothing.”

To “say nothing” was a way of hiding behind one or other of the many masks behind which I hid, or thought I was hiding.” I thought I was giving the impression of “I’m not that bad.” That, however, was what I wanted to believe. By “saying nothing” I was deluding myself into thinking I was “alright.” When asked to share, I would say something to the effect: “My name is Séamus, I’m  an alcoholic, I grew up in a good family, I started to drink at age ___ I certainly did not think I was an alcoholic. I’m grateful I didn’t have any accidents, blackouts, nor was I ever in jail. I’m really glad to be here. Thank you for asking me to share.”

While what I said was true, I had still “said nothing.” I covered a multitude of ‘sins’ with my superficiality. In my mind I was thinking, “There’s no way I’m going to tell these people I did…” I felt scared. I didn’t want to admit it to myself. The philosophy of “say nothing” allowed me to be superficial even to myself.

One afternoon, a few of us were playing a game of cards and the conversation turned into an unofficial meeting. In that relaxed atmosphere, I found myself opening up, admitting I had drunk alone; I acknowledged I had had blackouts, and, internally, I was beginning to feel remorse for my past behavior. I was becoming human, a fellow human being with character defects and a disease over which I had no control.           

“Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now” wrote Bill W in the Big Book. There is a difference between public confession and “saying nothing.”

Today, I know I have something to say; something to share – in a general way – that allows others to say to themselves, “I know what he’s talking about” or “I feel like that too.” Sharing my experience, strength, and hope has helped me grow up in this program in ways I never expected. Sharing and listening has helped me remember things I had blocked, that I had suppressed, and which I now needed to confront within myself, with my sponsor and sometimes with a counselor.

While I never did “tell all,” I grew up and discovered that my experience; strength and hope are important to me and to some others. I’m still not going to “tell all” but I have come a long way from the mentality of “Whatever you say, say nothing.”

Séamus D.

New Orleans, La.