In ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, Bill W wrote: “Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives…they have turned to easier methods...but they had not learned enough humility.”

It happened on or around September of 1969 and I remember it as if it were yesterday evening. I was invited to a meeting only to discover it was not what I thought it was. I was in a room with alcoholics. The air was thick with the smell of cigarette smoke and strong black coffee. I sat in the back, chain smoking and wondering what to say if I were asked to speak. I wanted to be out of there. Those people were telling my story, and I could not for the life of me understand why they were telling such behaviors in public. I needed a drink. I needed to get out of there.

Years later, I wasted my first four and a half years pretending to share when in fact I was so superficial that the group saw through me. Humility was not one of my qualities. Maybe it was but I certainly was not practicing it.

I wouldn’t say that I thought of myself as “perfect in every way.” But, in my imagination, I was close to it. After all, if people didn’t behave the way they did to me then I would be okay. It was their fault I did much of what I did.

Those were four and a half years I do not care to repeat. Not one day of them. I was superficial, in denial, minimizing and rationalizing. I was confronted, cared for, tolerated, until I had a spiritual awakening that brought me to my knees. I had to get honest. I had to do the work necessary to become sober and serene. I wanted what they had, and it was now time to do the work to receive the gift.

Back to the beginning, steps one through three and then it was time to get out the pen and paper and begin to see my true self appear in front of me. Lying, stealing, being indifferent, using people, places and things. That was me in those pages. It was not my true self -it was my dark shadow. What I was looking at was my behavior that came from addiction that caused me to no longer live by the values I once held. I felt embarrassed, angry at myself. And then, when I began to make Amends, I learned more about my behavior than I wanted to hear.

“Honesty is the best policy.” “Half measures availed us nothing.” Bill knew what he was talking about and did not sugarcoat it. “Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives…they have turned to easier methods….but they had not learned enough humility.” I was not the first nor am I the last newcomer to want to keep to myself certain facts about my life.” And that wasn’t a one-time spring cleaning. I then had to take a daily inventory and when I was wrong promptly admit it. Humility in action. Learn to keep my mouth shut. Think before I speak

Go to meetings to listen and to share my experience, strength and hope. Read the Big Book and apply it to myself. Discover that the Big Book is filled with directions of how it works, Share; Talk; Go to...; Get a sponsor; Make amends; Be a sponsor; Write down...; Find a Higher Power; Pray only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out; Meditate; Improve conscious contact with God; Get on your knees. “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.”

I didn’t like it at first, but I learned – the hard way – that humility is the path to freedom. Humility keeps me honest. Humility is not groveling, rather it is that strength that keeps me from returning to the person whose behavior I never liked and almost drowned in Guilt and Shame. I’ll take humility every day – it keeps me honest.       

Séamus D
Séamus D is an Episcopal priest in the New Orleans diocese.