Step Three: “Made a decision to turn our will and our life over to THE CARE of God as we understood that.”

I grew up in a fearful home. Anger, Alcohol, Abuse. I was afraid most of the time. When I came to step three – I said, “Hell no! I ‘m not turning my life over to the scary God of the religion I grew up in. Then it was pointed out to me that I was asked only to turn my will and my life over to the CARE of God. Could I trust God when my experience of grown-ups and God was scary and hurtful. I couldn’t trust anything, so I had to trust myself. Part of me knew that I had no idea how to live life and not be afraid all the time. Alcohol was an answer, not a problem. I had to take care of everything, not because I wanted to but because no one was there for me. I got tough so others wouldn’t know how afraid I was. And I got pretty good at it.

Then it all fell apart and I went to AA. I was confronted with my fear of trusting anyone, especially God.  I had to find a god of my own understanding. The image I used was of a babysitter we had when I was small, Miss Connie. She was British and old. I thought of her like the queen. When she held me on her lap I could snuggle into breasts and I feel safe. Here was an image of a higher power that I could turn my will and my life to the care of.

“Once we placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find we can always open it some more. Though fear and self-will may slam it shut again, as it frequently does [for me!], it will always respond the moment we again pick up the key of willingness.” I have kept using that key of willingness many, many times since I got sober. Trust is still hard some days – That’s why my license plate is TRUSTHP – to remind me. When I look at the faces in my homegroup, I feel a trust I can borrow when I need it.

I few days ago, I went out for my morning walk on a trail I walk most days. As I got on the trail I looked down and saw – a puzzle piece! I was so surprised. How did it get on this trail? Then I thought of the key of willingness and remembered all the times I had finally found the last piece of a puzzle I was doing and when I placed it in the puzzle, I was so happy. I now keep that puzzle piece to remind me of the joy that comes with having the final piece of the puzzle – willingness.

I didn’t make myself sober, AA and God made me so. The piece I needed was the key of willingness.