St. Paul, in his letter to the Romans, writes: “Be transformed by the renewing of your minds.” When I entered the House of theology to begin my final three years to ordination as a Roman Catholic Priest, I had my New Jerusalem Bible. Of course, I hadn’t read it as Catholics were not encouraged to read it, except for stories from the four gospels. But that did not stop me from thinking “I know my bible.”

Then we began biblical exegesis and my mind got turned so far around I could not think straight. This was supposed to be the “Word of God” Every word, comma, chapter and verse, were dictated by God to holy men who wrote it down. Oh, did I have a lot to learn?  

After a week or so of listening to professors talk about why this was put here and that was put there and…and…and. I took my JB and threw it almost the full length of the library and walked out. “There is no God. Any idiot could write these stories” I said to myself and audible enough for a couple of classmates to hear.

Six weeks went by before I got the courage to go to one of the professors and tell him what was going on. He was patient, funny, and knew how to draw me out. Slowly I began to open my mind to the possibilities he mentioned and they were making sense.

Then came my mentors, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, and John Jemison and they loosened my mind more than I wanted to think. Now I was able to be myself. I had ideas and they needed to be heard. I was reading everything and anything I could get my hands on. I had become a sponge that could not get enough information.

Time passed. Life with my mentors was becoming “fun.” What I was unaware of was that my thinking was becoming stinking. Yes, stinking thinking. Judgmental, resentful, indifferent, angry, and it was everyone else’s fault if I was told I had made a mistake. I was becoming a failure. I am a failure.

“I always do….” “It will never happen to me”  “You know, you should….”            “You couldn’t have been more stupid than …”  Assuming. Making an Ass-u-me. Mostly myself. I couldn’t be nice to or about myself and few others. Sometimes I was clear-headed enough to know that there was something wrong with my thinking, the way I was behaving, but I never attributed it to my mentors. They were my friends. Or so I thought.

“Be transformed by the renewing of your minds.” I went through treatment and learned little. I was a priest and counselor. I knew myself better than they did. I told them what they wanted to hear. What I didn’t know was they saw through me and they loved me.

Four and a half years on a dry drunk did nothing for me except that I did not drink, I read everything about alcoholics anonymous, its history, its spirituality, its need for anonymity.          

One day it became clear to me “I am an alcoholic.”  I began to work the steps and live the program. I was and am powerless over people, places and things. My moral values had vanished like ice in a cup of hot water. Now that I was living the program I found my values. I found myself and I was not the person I had judged myself to be. I was transformed. No more stinking thinking.

The Bible, the Big Book, sacred texts from different faith communities, philosophy, good novels were transforming my mind in a healthy manner. I was being renewed and I was overjoyed as I liked and loved this new me. Thank God for recovery and the fellowship.

Séamus D

Séamus D is a retired Episcopal Priest living in New Orleans