Well $#%@.

That was my immediate thought when I looked up this month’s recovery principle. I felt shame and guilt again because the word integrity has been destructive. In the past, integrity was the highest standard for an evangelical pastor. Pastors with integrity were super-Christians, who seemed to float into rooms, could preach up a storm, and see thousands of conversions. Integrity was directly related to results in ministry.

The inverse was communicated as truth as well. If I lacked integrity, my ministry was “of the flesh” and would not produce church growth and success. If your ministry was not fruitful, it was because of unconfessed sin, a lack of faith, or doing things of our efforts. I recall numerous conversations with fellow pastors who commented in negative ways about preachers who were not dynamic and how they equated that lack of “power” to a lack of intimacy with God.

As an active addict at that time, I ate that up. I knew the hypocrisy with which I was living. I knew that on any given Sunday, I was preaching a sermon prepared during a time of acting out in my sex and love addiction. Even when I was “clean” from those things, I always felt my integrity didn’t meet God’s expectations because I was in denial about being gay.

The church I identified used integrity as a synonym for holy, pure, and virtuous. While the Biblical word certainly can be used for those meanings, I believe such a definition reinforces a culture of shame and guilt that keeps others compliant or locked in abuse. Shame and guilt are often the catalysts for acting out as addicts.

It is time to view integrity differently as people in recovery.

Is it possible that integrity occurs when what others see on our outside mirrors what we know to be confirmed on the inside? In recovery, I embrace the synonym of “honest” as a replacement for integrity. Step five breaks the power of the secret life through disclosure. After taking inventory of my moral defects, having another human being who listens to my darkest deeds without flinching breaks the hold shame has over me. For many of us, this is the first time we are congruent in our private and public selves.

I wonder how much internal and external congruence would impact our churches. Imagine clergy that set aside the urge to be perfect in the pulpit and were transparent with their struggles with addiction, insecurities, and self-will. Imagine marriages and partnerships in which ego takes a backseat to the integrity of being honest with those we love. Dare we embrace this as a culture? Well, $#%@ that sounds like heaven.

-Shane M