In the July 2022 issue of PARABOLA, James Opie shares his journey with respect to responsibility. The article ends with this statement: “For some of us, more than others, truly “repairing the past” must be an ongoing undertaking one small step after another toward becoming responsible.”

The Twelve Steps are, to me, a process in becoming responsible. We begin with the first step in which we acknowledge not only powerlessness over our addiction but also that our life had become unmanageable. In other words, we were irresponsible in word and action. Even those of us who pride ourselves for being responsible have to come to grips with our irresponsibility.

As we begin to document the downward spiral of our irresponsible life under the influence of one or another mood-altering chemical – legal or otherwise – we slowly (and, for me, it was a very slow process) of fully admitting my unmanageability/irresponsibility.

By the time I got to step five (for the third or fourth time) I became aware – in the words of James Opie, “…the past can only be repaired inside a person in the present, inside me, by confronting my own past and bringing it forward consciously, with efforts to not deflect or hid from what is recalled, but work to be present to feelings and related thoughts that appear.”

The past can only be repaired inside of me in the present. I am the one who was irresponsible. I am the one who choose to drive intoxicated. I am the one who said, “I can handle this.” “Don’t worry, I drive better when I’m loaded.” “I’m the one who said, “No one will know….” Now, I have to come to grips with this past behavior in the present, look in the mirror and say “I did that.” “I said that.”

I recall spending a weekend with some friends and attending a carnival where I had a “good time.” I woke up in their sitting room on Monday afternoon in a sleeping bag in my underwear. I got dressed, got coffee and a drink. When I was asked about statements I was supposed to have said to one or other woman with whom I was dancing, I flat our denied it. First line of defense: lie until you know differently. I was “sober” a few years when my friend told me he was too embarrassed to tell me what I had said and done at the carnival. I had no memory of it.

By the time I got into recovery I had lost contact with many of those who should have known about my irresponsibility. However, I had sufficient vague memories to feel shame and guilt about my actions. These memories however did not prevent me from wanting to blame or hold others responsible for my actions.

As Opie writes, “Resistance to seeing all retrievable details is likely, and it’s important to observe this resistance, too, and not be cowardly.” I would never use the word ‘cowardly’ with respect to myself, but that is exactly what I was – a coward. I wanted to hide, disappear, deny, blame, project. “NO, not me! I couldn’t have said that. I couldn’t have done that.” I could say these words even as my mind told me, “You are guilty as charged.” I knew what I had done and did not want to look at it.

Finally, finally, I reached a point where, as Opie writes, “In all cases, we have no choice but to begin precisely where we find ourselves, bearing in mind our inability to change anything, except in a developing interest to be present to whatever appears.”

Over the years I have met up with folks with whom I had lost contact, and after the initial pleasantries, I asked the awkward question, “In case you are not aware of it, I have been in the program of A.A. for___years. What I’d like to know from you is this; Did I ever say or do anything that embarrassed you or your family? You can tell me anything I need to hear so I can make amends and remind myself I don’t want to go back there.”

Out of these conversations I have learned some frightening – and I mean frightening – things and embarrassing stories. What I greatly appreciate today is this – no one can blindside me with my past. Thanks to this program – living and working the steps – I am open to hearing about my past as it increases my conscious awareness of past irresponsibility and reminds me to continue working on my responsibility which I can only have through the maintenance of my spiritual condition on a daily basis.

Séamus D.
Séamus D is a semi-retired Episcopal priest in the New Orleans diocese.