In her book, The RECOVERING Intoxication and its aftermath, Leslie Jamison writes: “The drunk self becomes the self-revealed rather than the self-transformed, an identity that has been lurking inside all along; needy, desperate, shameless.”
How often have we heard it said, ‘in vino veritas” “in wine there is truth.” How I wish I had applied that to myself instead of others while I was active in my addiction. It is fascinating to look back and see how quickly, and, at times, how accurately, I was to spot the problem/addicted drinker/user while I could not see what was happening to myself.
The self-revealed came in emotions spilling out, talking honestly (which I would not do when sober) to acquaintances and a few friends alike usually in the early hours of the morning. Later in that day I would either have forgotten the conversation or, that which I remembered I drowned. I can recall days reading Will the Real Me Please Stand Up by John Powell and knowing exactly who needed to read it. I made notes, so I could quote it in a sermon or talk or in counseling.
How often have we heard it said, or said it ourselves, “S/He would be a lot more fun if s/he had a drink.” I knew that to be true. I was a lot happier (I thought) when I was drinking/using. It wasn’t the drinking self I abhorred it was the self. Drinking gave me a shot at being happy. It was when I got into AA and began to admit I had character defects that I was disgusted at my former self. What I had lost were my values and had lost them so slowly that I had accepted that I didn’t care what others thought of me. Alcohol released the bonds of values instilled and not digested. I was living a lie to the extent that I disliked myself as being “good.” I wanted to be good and be able to drink and I didn’t know that the drink had taken control of me.
I would never have described myself as being “needy, desperate, shameless.” And yet, when I got into recovery, I was able to look back at a life I could hardly recognize and begin to admit to these defects of character which only became more obvious as I spiraled out of control. RECOVERY, SERENITY, and a good moral house-cleaning brought about the self-transformed whom I learned to love and appreciate. I looked back and saw just how distorted my thinking had become and frankly it scared me, embarrassed me, humiliated me.
As an ACOA, I kicked off my addiction to alcohol and drugs at a time when I thought I knew it all, a college student whose brain was just beginning to open while my mind was closing. This needy, desperate, shameless young adult was looking for affirmation in all the wrong places and unaware that that is what I was looking for. I became a loner to avoid those whose company I wanted to be part of but who had boundaries I failed to comprehend. They could take a drink or leave it, they were comfortable in their own skin, I was anything but that.
After five weeks in a four-week treatment program, I spent the next four and a half years on a dry drunk. During this time, I continued to be needy and desperate. I needed people to like me, I needed to be needed as a speaker, as a person willing to go on 12step calls. What I needed was a sponsor, but I didn’t think I needed one. I needed to read the Big Book and apply it to myself, but I read it to quote it at meetings. I needed to go to meetings and listen instead of thinking I had all this information to share.
Today, words can’t express my gratitude for all those who talked to me, shared with me, confronted me about my behavior, and were sufficiently patient that I finally experienced what was needed to get into the program - an admission of powerlessness and a spiritual awakening that led to a self-transformed who I could love and like and become comfortable in my own skin.
Séamus D.
Greater New Orleans area
