I heard, early on, that god, whatever it is, doesn’t give you more than you can handle (nor less than you can handle, btw!)
She asks me one day, “Will you accept Jesus as your lord and savior?”
I answer, “Yes, I got nothin’ to fear from Jesus ((I had been sober, the first round, for 10 or 11 years, 7 years in ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families) and was crystal-clear that there is something out there, why not Jesus. Besides I had had a visit from Jesus on a “walk with Jesus” mile on some spiritual retreat years before.))!” And added, “as long as I can continue to discuss and ask questions.” She agrees.
She asks me soon after, “Can we marry? I want to be right with Jesus and be married in the eyes of god as well as in our hearts.”
I answer, “Yes. I got nothin’ to fear from marriage!” [grimace]
It is impossible for me to believe how much love surrounds me now. I came from such awful ancestry. Bigoted, abusive, neglectful, grasping, criminal folk came before me and were charged with raising me. Only my grandma, “magu,” rescued me from full ‘confirmation’ in the family tree. Bio-mom completed what magu could not, I lost magu only three years after I found her-before my 5th birthday [swallow]. Bio-mom tried out an Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families meeting on a Wednesday – the “teddy bear meeting” in Spokane, Washington. Bio-mom was so strangely changed and calmed, something I had never seen before. Then she went to the ACoA meeting again the next week and the calm and the stillness happened again. I was so stricken by this powerful affect that a few years later, while in college, my friends and I were commiserating over how crazy our social backstabbing was that I spoke up that my mom had gone to this place and clearly felt better after.
We got to the meeting and this being the early 90’s there were 50 people in the room. We had to break into 4 groups after the leader shared in order to let everyone have a chance to share. Our dozen was in a small office and I sat on the carpet for lack of chairs. A woman on the couch shared and cried like a snotty mucus mess. I was floored. I thought, “Wow, it’s safe to share and cry! Cry in front of these people!?” I continued attending ACOA meetings for 7 years. I host an online ACOA meeting, now.
After 7 years of ACOA meetings, I finally said, “Maybe alcohol’s a problem.” Fortunately, I uttered this to a fellow in both fellowships. He said, “Well, why not come try out a meeting?”
It is so strange that it is a “moral” remedy that maintains my relationship to Self-sean. Three years ago I acquired severe neuropathy in both feet and I am stuck at home 80% of the time. Eclipsing face to face meetings, god has handed me the mission to seek out the fellowship as a disabled person and this seems too great to bear. Thing is, my life has become full and purposeful in spite of my disability. In fact, the leader of one of my 12 step fellowships called me today to talk about some more adjustments to make to the meeting listings to help folks that are stuck with only the internet to nourish their moral remedy. It is vital to rant, to plead, to yell and to cry. Sometimes expletives are shouted. This is all to clear out the past so the sadness can see the sun and being a sad man is more and more ok with me.
I cannot, will not, need not, turn my back on the 12 steps. Drowning and lost, I found a place in the life boat. Life! [tears]